it looks like a perfect moment, doesn’t it?
but do not be fooled! this morning was so tough. we dealt with behavioral problems, resistance, tantrums, disobedience.
it seems to me that it’s become kind of taboo to talk about disobedience. but i feel that lovingly cultivating an obedient heart is one of my most important roles as a mother. it’s something we work towards on a daily basis.
based on my relatively little reading and research and life experience, disobedience is often a toddler’s way of testing their limits. my toddlers disobey most when they feel unsafe. they are checking to see if i am watching, if i love them enough to follow through with what i have asked, if i will keep their bodies and hearts safe. it’s not something that can be overlooked or ignored. but it is hard, and constant on days like today.
a lot of you ask in dm’s: do i ever loose patience? get angry? snap? yell? the answer is yes. it doesn’t happen often and i thank my God for that extension of His grace towards me. but it does happen. i lost patience today, a lot. i almost yelled at my baby, i managed to take a deep breath and catch myself just in time, but the anger was there. i still had to kneel and hug him and ask his forgiveness.
but that’s the beauty of parenting, isn’t it? grace. forgiveness.
my babies are asleep now and maybe i’m writing this for myself. to ponder over the morning, to evaluate why things went the way they did. finn and eli were too tired, that became obvious when i put them down twenty minutes early and they fell asleep like lights turning out. and i am distracted. i can’t seem to focus on anything but how desperately i am ready to meet my baby who is due any day, how desperately i want to see his face. i’ve not been present enough with my toddlers today.
this afternoon may go better. maybe the rain will let up, and the boys will be rested, and i’ll feel more present. that would be beautiful. but maybe not. maybe this afternoon will look much the same as this morning, and you’ll find us struggling along clinging to God’s grace, making mistakes, and growing in humility. and that would be beautiful too.