“I have an important question for you.” My heart froze when the ultrasound technician murmured those words. We’d waited so long for this pregnancy, and like everything in my life, I wanted it to be perfect. My definition of perfect, at least at that time, was one healthy baby. One.
An important question? That just didn’t sound good.
“How do you feel about multiples?” The technician continued, pausing the ultrasound to look straight in my eyes. “I’m finding two heartbeats and two fetal poles. They look healthy!”
T squeezed my hand, and my heart that had frozen a few moments before thawed into tears. I’m rather ashamed to say they weren’t happy tears of joy, but tears of terror and sadness. I thought my life was over. I was terrified of carrying and caring for two babies. I knew twins were a very likely possibility for us, but I didn’t feel prepared for them. I felt almost cheated, like I had some right to experience a normal pregnancy and a “normal” family of three experience.
After a moment or two of stunned silence, I started sobbing hysterically in the doctors office. I think the nursing staff, and my poor husband, were a bit baffled by me. I’m a bit baffled by myself too, looking back. How could I have not wanted my twins? But pregnancy hormones are intense, and I think the fear, and the unknown, of what was ahead overwhelmed me in that moment.
But God is always sovereign and loving. I wish I’d had faith enough to see more of his eternal kindness in that moment, instead of gazing on it after the fact.
I was six weeks along when I found out we were expecting twins.
It took another week or two of praying and having conversations with T for me to start to feel excited about the prospect. Between the pregnancy fatigue and morning sickness that set in shortly after that first ultrasound, I don’t really remember how or when my heart changed. All I know is that it wasn’t long before my hysterical sorrow over the news of expecting twins to turn into quite hysterical joy.
Now, eighteen months later, I’m so thankful that God saw fit to give me two babies. I can’t imagine my life without them. There are definitely days when my mind seems to run in circles thinking “two is definitely harder than one.” But then I remind myself that every mama—twin mama, singlton mama, or mama of even more multiples—has good and bad days. Day when they feel so happy and blessed, and days when they feel immeasurably tired and confused.
Most days, I never even think about the fact that having two babies to care for is harder than one would be. My husband looks after me, I look after my twins, and my twins look after each other, most of the time. We all work together, a perfect fit.