When I first found out we were expecting twins, I was so very scared. It’s hard for me to remember, hard to say. But I didn’t want two babies. It was a strange thing, seeing those two hearts beating. I wanted them to live and thrive. I loved them both, in that moment, wanted them both. But… I didn’t want them both at once.
I was scared of the pregnancy, the birth, the breastfeeding journey. Scared that my life would be over. That who I was would cease to be under the piles of babies and diapers and laundry and fatigue.
And to a certain extent, that is true. I’m not the same person I was.
Giving birth to a child is so much more than it seems. Not only a child, but also a mother is born. A unique mother perfectly suited to her unique child. It’s beautiful and painful and awe inspiring. First to deliver a child and then to endure the transformation of soul that motherhood requires.
My life isn’t over. In many ways, it’s just beginning. I don’t know if the person I used to be could have loved my twins well. But the person I became when they entered the world can.
To any new or expecting twin mamas out there… it’s okay to feel scared. The path ahead of you isn’t easy. But it is beautiful, and you are strong enough. You may not feel like it in every moment, but you are the woman for the job, the perfect mama for your babes.
