the days are winding down, the days where we will be a family of four. i find myself caught between longing for this baby to make his arrival soon, and hoping he will wait as long as possible to join us. i so look forward to meeting him, holding him. i so look forward to watching my toddlers become big brothers.
but… our family will change, forever. we will never be this way again. the way i love finn and eli will never change. but for the past two years, they have been my everything. and that will change. there will be another baby to snuggle, another set of crying eyes to dry, another mouth to soak up smiles from, another precious child to love. my attention, my time, my heart will be divided.
i remember the night finn and eli were born. i remember feeling as though my heart had been torn apart, as though it had burst itself at the seams, so full it was of love for them. i did not know i could love that much, i did not know my heart had that capacity. it hurt, it ached, it was the most wonderful thing in the world. sometimes i catch myself wondering… will my heart be able to grow to hold that much more love? will i be able to love this baby as much as i love them? i know i will. but it is hard to imagine.
and the days are winding down.
try as i might, i don’t seem to be able to process my thoughts as this pregnancy comes to a close. it’s very rare for me to not know how i feel, but as i watch the weeks roll so swiftly by until our family changes, i find that i don’t know myself so well. i find that i can’t discern whether i am longing for or grieving this change. all I can do is be present in each day, cherish each moment, and rejoice in these last few days with just us four. all i can do is be here now.