real talk: how infertility feels

“Joy it is severe, when the way is rough and steep, but love will make your days complete…” – @joshgarrels

I love these lyrics. A severe joy, the result of a long, steep journey. A joy that fills you so abundantly, your heart aches with it and your soul trembles with it. Severe in its beauty. That is how the last almost-twelve months with our twins have been, after our long and steep journey to parenthood.

Theo and I got married when I was twenty and he was twenty two. We longed for babies right from the start, only to endure six years of infertility.

I remember so keenly the pain. Watching my siblings with their little ones, trying so hard to be happy with each new pregnancy announcement only to crumble into tears and loss.

I remember watching my little three and four year old ballet students running to their parents after class, shouting “mama” as they went. I remember sitting in my car crying after teaching, wondering why…why not me.

It was hard to have faith during those long years.

In twenty nineteen we experienced two early term pregnancy losses. Chemical pregnancies, they are called. I don’t like the term. Those pregnancies… they were my babies, not chemicals. I will always miss them. I will always love them and want them, and wonder what their smiles would have been like. But I will never hold them in this side of heaven.

And then… God gave us Finn and Eli. Our rainbow babies, our miracles. I am so immensely thankful for them.

Infertility is so painful, like a thorn in your heart that never goes away. Like a deep wound that never heals, that reopens at the slightest touch.

If you are walking through this journey now, I am so sorry. It is so hard. I cannot tell you it will be alright. In truth, I don’t even know how to offer comfort…because if you are like me, I know that the only comfort your heart longs for is a child in your arms. But if you need a friend to help you through the day…please reach out, I’ll offer a listening ear if nothing else. ♡

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